The Tuches Monster has died

At our recent retreat, Jane and I attended a training deemed mandatory for all members of our organization worldwide. The topic was sexual abuse, and how to recognize the signs that children exhibit when they’ve experienced abuse. The videos which we watched also provided advice on how to best prevent sexual abuse. The videos were old (80s) and cheesy (as most old instructional videos are), but solid.

I’ll be focusing on the prevention in this post. In short, the makers of the video advise that we give our children “safety rules” on touching. Maybe you already have some safety rules in your house, without necessarily calling them that. One of ours is that when someone approaches our kids through the front gate of our house, our kids are allowed to say hello. If the stranger says anything else to our kids, or asks any questions, they are to come let us know so we can go out and meet the people as well. I’ve seen them do this; it’s great.

The safety rules on touching are:
1. No one may touch the child’s private parts except to keep them clean and healthy.
2. If someone does try to touch them, or wants the child to touch someone else’s private parts, the child is to say “No” or something that means “No” as firmly as possible.
3. If the person persists, the child should run and tell another adult (a parent if possible).

The video also went on to advise reassuring the child that it is never too late to tell the truth, and that if something does happen, it is not the child’s fault.

So what about rule #1 - does that apply to parents? I mean, in my family, the ”Tuches Monster” attacked until I was at least 10 years old. Seems like good clean fun. But as I think about it more, it seems more consistent if we apply the rule across the board - to include parents as well.

Since I’ve started rethinking all this, when I’ve been in a situation when I would normally “get their buns” in a playful way, I’ve asked myself, “Do we lose anything if I just tickle their stomachs or knees instead?” And the answer is no. So for me, I think the Tuches Monster is dead. It’s not because I fear that there’s some latent pedophile lurking within me. It’s really just about being consistent, so that when someone does touch their private parts, it will seem so weird to our kids that it will be easier for them to react. If we parents occasionally tickle our kids’ bottoms, it might still seem kind of fun for them if someone else does it (especially if it’s someone they know). That’s a recipe for confusion.

Anyway, the post has gotten a bit long now, but I look forward to hearing what you all think.