The minimization of dad

I’m starting to get a little aggravated. Since becoming a father, I have tuned myself in to how fathers are portrayed in the media and what kinds of attitudes we as a society have about Dad. And through and through, I see him being portrayed at best as clueless and out of touch. Often as a childish boob who needs as much as or more parenting from Mom than his own kids. And sometimes as neglectful and abusive.

Now, no way am I going to argue that these types of fathers do not exist. In fact, I know they do. In abundance unfortunately. But, in my honest opinion, I do not think that all three of these categories combined comes even close to the number of active, caring, loving and involved fathers we now have. You want proof of that? Just surf the internet. Heck, spend some time on this blog. There is no shortage of dads so “in” to being fathers they feel the need to share their experiences with the world.

I would like to share with you a few examples of what I have come to call ‘The Minimization of Dad’. Let me start with one that is subtle, but distinct in my view. Last week my wife brought home a CD titled My Daddy is Scratchy by Jamie Braza – who is a father. The three songs on the album that deal specifically with Dad as subject matter are fine examples of how Dad can be minimized.

First, the title track, ‘My Daddy is Scratchy’ is all about how Dad’s stubble scratches. It’s a real cute song. The next daddy song is ‘Stop it Dad You’re Embarrassing Me’. This song tells the tale of a clueless father who sings loudly and poorly much to his poor child’s dismay. OK, I can admit it. I do that. A lot. Fortunately, my kids aren’t old enough to be embarrassed by it yet.

Then, there’s ‘The Daddy Book’. This one bugs me. It’s cute and funny. But it tells of different dads who just don’t have a clue. One dad gives his kids candy for breakfast. Another fails to pack a snack for a play date. The refrain really eats at me; “HE DIDN’T DO HIS HOMEWORK, HE DIDN’T EVEN LOOK. I BET HE NEVER READ THE DADDY BOOK”. I know, it’s just a joke. And by itself, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

But taken in combination with the other songs, and especially when you look at the absence of any substantial songs about Dad, it bothers me. Particularly when compared to the main song about Mom, ‘Mommy’s A Dynamo’, about how Mom does everything and you had better take her seriously. And again, don’t get me wrong, Mommy IS a dynamo and she deserves not just one song, but a whole album dedicated to that fact. But it would be nice if ‘The Daddy Book’ mentioned the fact that the dad who gave his kid candy for breakfast sat up with her the week before when she was sick and rocked her to sleep. Or how the dad who forgot to pack a snack also works the night shift so he can be home to hug her when she gets off the school bus. Just part of one song acknowledging the good things Dad does. That’s not being greedy.

Another example of ‘The Minimization of Dad’ is the concept that Dad is emotionally detached from his children. This point of view was espoused by Kevin in this very blog in a post titled ‘No More Mr. Mom’. I encourage you to read it. It is thoughtful and makes some very good points. One point I will whole-heartedly agree with is that dads should not try to be moms. Mothers and fathers have distinct differences in their parenting styles. Both of which have their merits. But Dad should not, in my opinion, allow himself to be emotionally out of tune with his children. And I believe most dads aren’t. Especially Kevin who gives himself far less credit than he deserves in that category. I don’t think a lot of dads “intrude, disrupt, stir up, demand, and insist - to adjust the kids to fit their moods”. I think most dads are aware of the moods their children are in and make conscious decisions whether or not to acknowledge it based on what they feel is important for their child at that moment. If my daughter is in a particularly melancholy mood because she is feeling sorry for herself over something small, I may very well be playful and boisterous in an attempt to cheer her up and get her out of her funk. But if she is hurt or upset because a friend was mean or unpleasant, I will probably be sympathetic and encouraging. I will respond to her emotional needs rather than letting my needs plow her over until she is able to fit my mood. That’s not a Mom or Dad trait. That is a parent trait.

My third and final example is a simple one. But it is the one I run in to most often. When a mommy blogger I know of was interviewed for another publication she was asked “Are men necessary?” She responded by saying “Yes, men are absolutely necessary. After all, we all need a little entertainment.” I know, I know. It was meant to be funny. And it is. Sorta. But I hear these comments all the time. From my mother-in-law to moms at the playground talking about their dumb husbands. And the occasional crack doesn’t bug me. But it is a common attitude in our society that men are only needed for one thing when it comes to parenting – sperm. And that could not be any further from the truth. Study after study shows that fathers are an important part of shaping their children. Keeping fathers a part of parenting gives kids a better chance to grow up happy, healthy and successful in their pursuits. Dads, may in fact, be funny. But they are also important.

Am I looking for a return to the times when wives and children worshiped at the altar of Father Knows Best? No. Ward Cleaver was a hoax. No father could live up to that image just like no mother could live up to the image of June Cleaver. But another Heathcliff Huxtable (The Cosby Show) would be nice. And maybe even the occasional Danny Tanner (Full House). Or how about we just put in a song after ‘Mom is a Dynamo’ and right before ‘My Daddy is Scratchy’ called ‘Father Knows Something’?