Taxman

I remember playing as a boy; rules were conditional, and a matter of convenience. There was no laser so powerful that my force-field couldn’t stop it, no tag so forceful that I couldn’t feel it, no sword-stroke so nimble that I couldn’t dodge it. And vice versa. I have a confession: I have never played a game with my son. This is not for lack of trying. But Ian’s games are complex and arbitrary, and designed to make you lose.

Take tic-tac-toe, for example. Perhaps the simplest game ever created, as long as you can count to three. ‘Here’s how you play,’ as he stays my hand, pencil hovering above the center square. ‘You can’t start there. You have to go here,’ and he points to the bottom-left corner. I oblige, and he takes his turn. Twice. ‘Ian,’ I place my hand on his, ‘it’s my turn.’

‘No, you went first.’

‘Yes, and then you had a turn. See? Two Xs. Now it’s my turn.’ I place my O, and nod to him. He places an O next to his X. ‘Ian, you’re X. I’m O.’

‘That was just for the first turn. Now we switch!’

But at least we were able to start that game. Ian’s impromptu flights of imagination are harder to catch. His world is fully regulated, documented, and signed in triplicate. You cannot enter unless you’ve read the rulebook, which has yet to be published for all its revisions. He analyzes and tweaks and draws his boundaries with a straight-edge ruler. He has a very large eraser.

And while he explains the intricacies of Star Wars Tag, the sun sinks rapidly in the west. There’s a chapter in Red Dwarf during which Arnold Rimmer spends three months preparing and revising a study timetable for his astronavigation exam, yet never actually studies. On the day of the exam, he slams a sweaty, ink-stained palm print on the paper, signs it, and faints. I sense a disturbing similarity.

Yet I can understand why Ian loves making rules: he never gets to. He’s told, but does not tell. And what else should a four-year-old do if given the chance to not only make the rules, but to make others follow them?

Does the IRS accept advance applications?