What would you guys have done in my place?

You need a strategy. You’re not going to get control of the big stuff if you don’t have control of the little stuff --- the techniques you use to keep your kids in line when they’re causing little annoyances need to be scalable up to big crises.

Rule one is consistency. If you let a kid get away with acting up 20% of the time, clamping down isn’t going to do any good the other 80% of the time. Know in your head what the rules are, express them in a way that your kids understand them, and call them on it every time.

Rule two is getting their attention. If you’re kid is acting up, kneel down on the floor. Get down to his eye level. Tell him to look at you --- to look you in the eye. Don’t start talking about rules and consequences until you’ve done all that, because otherwise you’ll be yelling about the fact that the kid isn’t listening rather than yelling about what the kid’s done wrong, and it’ll all just be noise.

Rule three is immediacy. Find punishments that you can impose immediately, not hours or weeks later. If he’s acting up in a store, tell him that if he doesn’t stop he’ll have to sit quietly in one spot for a fixed amount of time. You have to be willing to drop whatever else you’re doing to enforce the rules at the moment they’re being broken.

That’s a start.

I have a similar problem, but have worked really hard to slow myself and make careful, reasoned responses.

The Supernany’s Naughty Step technique has really helped. It gives both me and my son time to cool off (we tend to antaognize each other), and gets us out of sight of each other.

If I’m really angry, I ask my wife to take over, and simply walk away. Those are the times when my involvement will only make the problem worse.

When we’re in public, walking my son to the bathroom or front of the store before I talk to him gives me time to calm down.

I don’t have any advice to give, but I do relate.  I have a temper that flares and a kid that loves to push our limits.  I love him to death, but sometimes I don’t deal with him like I should.  I can say that when I can control my anger and discipline with all my faculties together, he responds much better.  (I guess that last sentence might be advice).

Jared - We do subscribe to the Supernanny naughty corner version usually in our household and its a good model.

Brooklynite - Thanks, I need to get better at the consistency part.  With two kids who are not great sharers it gets sticky as to determining who is at “fault” and that is usually when I lose that consistency when I had it.  Re Immediacy - Thinking about now I am lost why I did not put him in a corner for 2 minutes while we were at the store.  It happens and is effective in the parks when he is being punished.

Brandon - You are right as ours do respond better when I am more calm which folds nicely into Brooklynite’s advice overall as well.

Thanks guys!

A few more thoughts…

I find it really useful to have a “stern” voice to use when I’m letting my kid know that she’s crossing a line. The stern voice is a voice of authority, and it’s sharp enough to get her attention, but it’s not the voice I use automatically when I’m really angry. It reminds the kid that it’s time to start paying attention without getting me more worked up.

If your kid is having a hard time calming down, telling the kid to take five deep breaths really helps sometimes. It de-escalates whatever’s building between the two of you, too --- particularly if you take five deep breaths at the same time.

When your kid has calmed down, it’s good to talk about what happened. Have your kid articulate what he or she did wrong rather than just apologizing in a rote way.

Since day my spouse teached me this and I think it works well.  Anytime you go somewhere, mostly a store, be ready to leave your cart or purchases and leave with the kids if they are not behaving.  Once in the van, explain why you left and the consequence… Most importantly leave and come back the next day.

Up until now, the consequence has had good effect. I had to use it twice and my daughter (now 3) knows very well the consequence.

I do have to say we are pretty consequent… when we say there will be a consequence there is… minutes in the corner relative to their age.

Not fun, but I understood I am not their friend or buddy ..I am their father.

My youngest daughter hid in the clothing racks from us once at a department store and we were on the verge of panic attacks, so i can totally relate.  She thought it was funny, but we had no idea where she was and we were terrified beyond anger.  (Sad that we live in a world that makes us worry that our children have been snatched if we can’t see them, but that’s another post!)

My wife and I have a couple of strategies: 1) Divide and conquer: I’ll take one child and run some errands, she takes another and does the same, then me meet up for lunch all together.  They tend to be much better behaved when not taunting each other.  2) Reward good behavior instead of just punishing bad behavior.  We tell the girls before going somewhere that if they behave themselves, they can choose the next store we go to, or can help put the groceries on the belt if they behave, etc.  3) When all else fails, leave the store.  There is nothing more annoying to other shoppers than having to deal with someone else’s misbheved kids and passive parents.  Just because we have kids, we don’t have the right to own the venue.  Immediately stop the shopping and leave.  The consequence in that instance could have been no big bed today.

I too suffer from a bad temper and lack of patience, although I must say that I have been able to improve both drastically.  I don’t think I’ve ever known a worse feeling than the guilt that follows a moment of frustration during which I’ve lost my cool with my children.

Like you, I’ve never hit them, but I’ve shouted, and that’s bad enough.  A child doesn’t deserve that, no matter what they are doing.

I have made the effort to curb my reactions.  I take deep breaths, I count to ten, I let my wife step in whenever possible and most important I remember that feeling of guilt.

The dads above have offered some good advice, many of which I use in one way or another myself.

I just wanted to say that it takes guts to admit something that you aren’t proud of, and it sounds like you are taking the right steps to fix the issue.

Best of luck.

On a related note, anyone have more grey hair since the time your kids were born?  I do.

I love these kids so very much and at times I have scared them with my temper. I have never hit them and don’t plan to but sometimes I just lose it.

I think this is a somewhat common thing for us guys, including myself.  There are lots of reasons why, but the fact is that lots of guys have issues with handling their anger, even when they would really like to.  There’s lots of good advice from other dads here, so I’ll toss mine in.  Have you considered seeking out any kind of anger management therapy?  I know that may seem extreme, but personally, I’ve found it to be very helpful in just making sense of where my anger comes from, which is a huge step towards getting a handle on it. 

Just an idea.