Goodbye, Grandpa
My kids’ grandfather, my father-in-law, passed away last week. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer about a year and a half ago. Thanks to the VA cutting corners with the tests they were supposed to be doing, the cancer was already in Stage 4 when they discovered it, and had already moved into his bones and throughout his body. Had they actually been doing the tests they said they were, they would have caught it sooner and possibly been able to treat it more effectively. But that is not the point.
This is the first time my wife and I have had to explain death to our children on a personal level. Only my oldest had ever been to a viewing before. His only question back then was whether the body in the casket was going to be a vampire or a zombie. Thanks, Buffy. This time, he’s now 8, he understands what it means that Grandpa is dead and he has broken down into tears several times since finding out.
My 4-year-old never really cried, but seems to understand that Grandpa is in Heaven. She became somber when we first told her, but we really focused on the fact that Grandpa was no longer sick or in pain and that we would see him again one day. This has been enough for her, and I think she understands.
My 3-year-old never really gave any sign of misunderstanding. She seemed to be in the same boat as my 4-year-old. That was until we were at the grave site. The services were all concluded and the family was hanging around talking, consoling each other and not wanting to leave. My little girl was looking at the casket, and then turned to my wife and asked when Grandpa was coming out. My wife explained the situation again, and my sweet little girl truly became sad for the first time.
How do you explain death to children who don’t quite understand such concepts? I am sure the next time we are at Grandma’s we will get the question of, “Where’s Grandpa?” Another question is, what will come first: their understanding of death or their forgetting what Grandpa was really like?
Join the fray. Read through the following comments and add to the discussion at the end.
May 6, 2008 at 9:42 pm
First off, please accept condolences for your family’s loss. Grandparents are truly a gift, and I am not sure we appreciate just how much they mean to us until they are no longer with us.
I lost my first grandparent at age 5. I lost my last grandparent at age 37. I did not understand what the loss of my grandfather meant at age 5, but I did at age 37.
Your children’s understanding of death is what will come first.. Because it is up to you to help them never forget what their grandpa was really like.
It’s very important that you and their grandmother keep the memory of their grandfather alive! I lost my first grandparent at 5. I don’t think I completely understood what it meant, but as I grew into the man that I am today, my parents, and my grandmother would share some of the traits they see in me that they saw in my grandfather.
I did write a post about my grandparents after my last grandparent passed almost two years ago… If you are interested, You can find it HERE.