It might be “only hair” but this woman clearly crossed the line.  The fact that she did not consult you or your wife speaks volumes about her disrespect toward you as parents.  Today it’s hair, tomorrow it’s something else.  I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near a person like that.

I’d pretty much consider the line crossed too.  This woman either has a poor grasp of social norms or feels that she has a right to make decisions that are not hers to make.  Does she have kids of her own?  If not she may not realise the significance of what she did. In any case I agree, I wouldn’t really want her looking after my children.

Saying that I wouldn’t go round and shout at her again.  It would achieve nothing other than increase the tension between you both.

Oh my goodness - if ANYONE ever did that to MY children I would be sooooo mad! No, it’s not only hair. Not when the mommy (and some daddies) spend nearly 30 minutes every morning putting it in pretty pigtails. Not when the mommy (and some daddies… can we just assume that now so I don’t have to keep typing it? ) washes it every night bending over the tub in the most uncomfortable way to make sure the water doesn’t get in her baby’s eyes when the shampoo is being rinsed. It’s not only hair when we picture it long and silky smooth, imagining all the cute hairstyles we’ll be able to do with our daughter because brushing hair is not only a necessity, but also valuable quality time with our daughter.

I have babysat many children over the years. Heck, for six years it is what I did for a living. At no point did I ever alter a child’s appearance without the parents’ permission. Did I ever cut a child’s hair? Yes I did. The mom was right there as well. I would not do it until the mom got there to make sure I didn’t cut it in such a way that she didn’t approve. I still will not do it - and I babysit my nieces and nephews occassionally. Sometimes I babysit for friends when they need a night out. Even if it drives my OCD crazy seeing bangs in a little girl’s eyes, needing a trim quite desperately, I will not do that.

As one mother of three daughters, I will tell you flat out that that woman would not only be banned from watching my daughter, she would know without a doubt that her existance would never be acknowledged by my household again. This woman is completely ignorant of the concept of respect, especially since she had the audacity to ask if you were upset!!!

You know, in some places that can be considered a form of child abuse as she took scissors to your daughter’s body without permission. If this had happened to me I’d be finding out if I lived in a place that would allow me to press charges. But that’s just me; I take the care of my children extremely seriously and expect my children to be returned to me exactly the way I left them.

Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable. Give your wife a hug for me and tell her how sorry I am this happened. And see if you can’t get this ignorant woman to at least shell out the money to have your daughter’s hair PROFESSIONALLY fixed (unless your wife wants to do it herself, that is). Again, I’m so sorry…

Oh man, I would be FURIOUS!  What that woman did is so wrong...on so many levels!  I agree with Phil.  The fact that she didn’t feel the need to consult the two of you speaks volumes about her disrespect toward you as parents. It’s so selfish, inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful.

Hmm… It doesn’t seem this individual has the same values as you in terms of respect.  I am not sure she understands it from her questions.

Yes I would be concerned and no I wouldn’t trust her again.  I am not sure I would make it into a huge conflict either.

There is many people with different values around me… but they do respect some basics boundaries of us/them. 

As for your spouse… Hear her out, support and unfortunalty don’t play victim yourself but be strong and say everyting will be fine.

Those are my thoughts.

Thank you all for your comments.  We still can’t believe this occured but are working past it and trying to ensure that future caregivers fully understand their boundaries.

You’ve got to let this go. This event has exerted way too power over you. It’s really not a betrayal of trust. It’s someone making an unthinking gesture (and unthinking slights are some of the hardest to let go because our natural tendency is to want to teach a lesson).

A betrayal of trust would be entrusting your child in their care and them leaving the child alone in a shopping mall for a couple hours, or in the car while they run in to do errands. A haircut in no way endangered your child. It was simply unthinkingly insensitive. It was like someone unwrapping your Christmas presents. That was an event you looked forward to.  I understand it will be hard to let go. It’s an event you’ll never get back.

But it’s hardly a betrayal of trust. It’s important to realize this and move on. Otherwise you will be ill equipped to deal with a real betrayal of trust. And it doesn’t do your child any good to to see you in prison for stabbing your next door neighbor.

I agree fully with Tim’s comment. 

The woman made a bad decision to cut your daughter’s hair but if it done in the moment of playing “fancy hair salon make-believe” with your daughter feeling pampered and mature like mommy… I have a hard time arriving where your post landed.

I would draw the boundaries for the woman and make sure she knows what is acceptable and not acceptable.  If there is something that is in the gray area - she should default to “NO - don’t do it until I talk with the parents”.

Johhny, Tim - I think you are both missing my point. 

Yes, it was only hair but the post is driving at the fact that a person entrusted with the child decided something on their own, perhaps innocently, and that trust was broken.  She did not ask when she should have.  Bad decision making perhaps but still something that a 40 something mother should have thought to do first.  Her own 20 something daughter told her afterwards it was stupid.

I would ask your wives how they would react to this same scenario and I’ll bet their reactions would be similiar to my wife’s.  The post was as much about supporting my wife in her anger as it was about someone deciding to have a scissor around my child.  Granted a scissor is not a knife but for all I know she may have thought about cutting the hair with a knife if no scissor was found.

Tim, yes this is only hair not leaving the child in an open mall.  I understand the magnitude is small but still I have learned two things in life.  You are stuck with family (this woman was not) and I don’t give second chances to people when they screw up involving my kids.

My wife agrees with me. She would be pissed off, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. And she might not let that person take care of our daughter again. But we wouldn’t cut that person off from being around our child, and we certainly wouldn’t try to find ways for retribution or penance.

As I stated earlier, the amount of pain and fear you’re displaying is truly staggering. You say things like “supporting your wife in her anger”. I wholeheartedly support my wife, but not in anger. That’s not productive. Part of what we provide for each other is the ability to talk one another off of the ceiling when something has us angry and frustrated. Collaborating in our anger would probably just lead to us lashing out in wholly inappropriate ways. The accepted way to deal with children is not to punish them until you have got your temper under control, and I think the same thing is true for adults.

I can tell your temper is still not under control in this issue because you’re using arguments like, “for all I know she may have thought about cutting the hair with a knife if no scissor was found”. You’re trying to convert this woman into a demon barber so you can go on feeling angry. That’s not productive for you, your wife or daughter.

Thanks for the open dialogue and I don’t want come off as judgemental or offensive.

I did discussed this topic with my wife as well and while the woman was in the wrong for cutting your daughter’s hair, the overreaction seemed more alarming.

Over the parenting life cycle, there will be many challenges that you and your wife will need to overcome.  Supporting each other is important but helping each other grow and learning to handle situations in control is paramount.

We had some drama early in our parenting experience but as we have grown stronger, the drama has faded.  We support each other but as Tim mentioned, we talk each other down when someone over reacts to the situation and discuss it as adults.

Thanks again for the discussion.

Tim, Johnny -

I never denied our reactions were strong. 

I think bad grammar on my part did not help my last post.  Where I wrote “support my wife in her anger” I meant “support her feelings and her right to her anger” I do believe anyone is entitled to their feelings right or wrong.  It does come down to how those feelings are enacted and if a person crosses any lines.  I don’t believe either my wife or I have as we have gone blabbing around the playgrounds or building about this.  I just posted the story here alone and no where else.

Tim - No issue that perhaps my analogizing the scissor to a knife may have been pushing it.  I can only offer the following.  Obviously as any parent we are protective of our kids.  I can only wonder if our reactions are a bit much as after dealing with infertilty for so many years that we are programmed to be too protective I don’t know.

As for current dealings with the woman.  I see her regularly in the halls of our building and in the mass transit to and from our area.  I always say hello and am quite cordial.  If she is watching another child and my kids want to play with that child then and there I have no issue and the kids, my daughter included, interact with her I have no issue.  What I won’t due is to leave them alone with her.  My son during the first mtg after the haircut did mention to her not to cut his sister’s hair again.  He probably picked that up from us.  Yes, my wife and her have no words.  Her issue.

As far as I am concerned it is done in regards to my reactions in the real world.  My continued answers here are regarding the discussion of it as a post.  I won’t deny my reactions and subsequent comments may have been too much but again they were my reactions.

Thanks again for the replies and now let’s all put this to bed as I have no desire for it to make the most responded list.