A Parent Confusion
*I did an interview for American Baby Magazine regarding our parenting technique. We are the only ones in the article that spank. Unforunately, they describe me as ‘pro-spanking’ and (as expected) is a little out of context and makes me sound like a freak. I would say, more acurately, that I simply believe that spanking is effective when used properly. Click here to read it.*
After having two kids, and with one more on the way, I have been thinking again. One huge lesson that shocked me into reality was how much of my children’s future depends on what I do with them in their formative years. It scares me to realize that most of who they are—disposition, learning capacity, emotional strength, personality etc.—is determined by the time they are FIVE years old! That doesn’t mean that things are set in stone from that point forward, but it does mean that we need to live with a constant sense of urgency. We need to make our best efforts in those prime years to raise the next generation to be ready for life. We need to use those years to our, and ultimately their, advantage. But as I have observed, and spoken to, many families I have come to realize another disturbing truth. Just because someone is a parent doesn’t mean they are parenting.
Have you observed this as well? You’re in a restaurant and the three year old at the table next to you is screaming uncontrollably, tears and all. The parents apply a systematic approach. They plea, “Do you want your toy?” More screaming. They move on to, “Do you want your juice?” Still more screaming. They beg, “How about a cookie?” More screaming with the added bonus of the above items becoming airborne. And then they lay down the law, “If you don’t stop we’re going to leave the restaraunt!” Or maybe you’ve seen the child coming out of Target as you’re going in. He’s flailing about yelling, “I hate you!” because he hasn’t gotten the toy he wanted. One of my favorites was when I saw a child being very disrespectful to his mother. After being told and warned several times she finally responded with, “That’s it! No ice cream for a month!”
Sadly, these situations are all too common. In fact, they are more common than not. And what makes matters worse is these approaches are not effective and are very unhealthy. I love my children enough to nurture them, but to also discipline them effectively. I want them to be ready for life because life is not easy…
A child needs structure and discipline that is consistent and clearly defined. They need to be able to predict the outcome of their actions, both positive and negative. Also, those consequences need to make sense. A child doesn’t care if you leave a restaurant. And when you give them that kind of control you’ve already lost. Talking back should have immediate, severe consequences. And taking away ice cream for a month? That’s a joke and not an effective consequence for not listening. A child will never respect a parent that ‘dishes’ out these kinds of consequences. I think there are many affective ways to deal with these situations. They may sound old-school but they are effective: rude words=soap in mouth, blatant defiance and screaming=spank (That’s right! I said it…take them out to the car and deal with their defiance. Afterwards, make sure to embrace them and tell them how much you love them.)
I don’t claim to be an expert but I have read thousands of pages on parenting because I desperately desire to do a good job. If you are a parent please put a plan together and make sure mom and dad are on the same page. Becoming a parent is a natural process but parenting doesn’t come naturally. It is hard work and you will not always see the results of your efforts. But children need to be nurtured and effectively disciplined. It is not enough to ‘wing-it’ as a parent. Remember, you are trusted by God with shaping this individual into the person they will become. And who they become will be largely based on how they grow up. Just think about yourself and your past. For the sake of your kids do some reading and ask some people you respect.
Let me be perfectly clear, if you are a parent you have to…parent.
Join the fray. Read through the following comments and add to the discussion at the end.
April 15, 2007 at 2:56 am
I’ve never actually heard of anyone excercising this ‘soap in their mouth’ idea. Are we talking about ACTUALLY making them keep a bar of soap in their mouth? I’m assuming that this must taste awful.