Don’t we all want to be the best parents ever?  Every generation seems to convince itself that the last generation got it all wrong.  My Mom had Dr. Spock.  He released his book, Baby and Child Care in 1946 (that, by the way, was long before his work on the USS Enterprise).  An oft cited quote from Dr. Spock is, “Parenting is about choices and deciding what’s best for your child.” Revolutionary!  Can you imagine the pre-Spock world that our ancestors grew up in, where everyone thought parenting was about being restricted and deciding what was worst for your child?  That’s the same world where kids regularly snacked on lead paint chips and got their heads stuck in too-wide crib rails.

Then, our generation was blessed with Dr. Sears and The Baby Book.  Oh, man.  He’s the ‘attachment parenting’ genius.  You know - if you don’t hold your child 24/7, he or she may develop serious social and psychological disorders.  To quote the good Dr., “…a child’s needs that are not filled leave an empty space that can come back later as anxieties…(317)” Wow, as if being a new parent wasn’t stressful enough, now we were worried not just about making the right choice in the moment, (‘Johnny is probably crying because he has a wet diaper, so I’ll change it.’), but we had the added pressure of knowing that a wrong choice (‘Actually, his diaper had nothing to do with it.  He was crying because he was hungry’) could result in years of therapy in some dark, unknown future.

When Tonya was pregnant with our first child, we were reading Dr. Sears and believing every word.  We were going to be the best parents in history and he was our ticket.  For Tonya, it was every maternal instinct and hormone coupled with her truly giving and loving nature (yeah, I hope she reads this…).  For me, I hate to admit it, but during the pregnancy, it felt like a challenge.  This was the big game, and I wasn’t going to be beaten.  That attitude lasted until I held Isabel the first time, about 15 seconds after she was born, and realized that it was only about love…but I’ll save that for another blog entry.

Anyway, to get to the point, we did it all:  co-sleeping (again, a topic for another blog…), making our own baby food, never putting her down, never letting her cry AND making our own baby wipes (“Ay, there’s the rub…”).

Yes, we made our own baby wipes.  In case you aren’t familiar with the concept, the basic recipe is paper towels, water, olive oil, and a few drops of baby shampoo – put it all in a Tupperware container and wait.  At the time, it didn’t occur to me (as it apparently hasn’t occurred to the hucksters still plying the idea on the internet – go ahead, type “make my own baby wipes” into Google) that this is also the recipe for a PETRI DISH!

So we diligently made those ‘more healthy’ wipes and wiped our beautiful newborn with them – and she developed urinary tract infections – twice.  We didn’t put this all together, and neither did the doctor.  The doctor had her own ideas about what was going on…

Allow me to pause in my story to tell you about a more recent event.  Last week my brother, who is seven years younger than me (and whose first-born isn’t yet a year old) emailed to ask a question.  His son had a bunch of ear infections and the pediatrician recommended tubes…my brother was freaked out at the idea of putting his son under anesthesia and under the knife.  What did I think?  Here’s a bit of what I wrote back:

“There is this tendency in the medical field to go with the quickest possible fix (e.g. four vaccinations in one visit).  I asked a friend who is a public health nurse about this and she explained it by saying that, as a medical provider, you try to do the quickest and most efficient thing possible because you don’t know when, or if, people will come back.

Try chiropractic; it worked for Abe (our second born, who also had lots of ear infections).  A few adjustments, and I’d bet that his ear infections will go away.  Be wary of accepting doctor’s advice carte blanche.  Your son is not a statistic; he can’t be placed on a bell curve.  He’s your son and you know him and love him more than anyone ever will.  Avoid surgery; try the other options, but watch him, closely.  Watch him and you’ll know if he needs surgery or even if he needs another round of antibiotics…”

Back to the story…after two urinary tract infections, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that a baby be given a voiding cystourethrogram (VCUG).  Here’s how it works:  X-rays are taken, and then a catheter is inserted into the bladder through the urethra. A liquid dye is put into the bladder through the tube, and more X-rays are taken to watch the dye as the bladder fills and as the baby urinates.

Pretty heavy stuff – x-rays of the urethra, bladder and uterus, a catheter in my 9 month old baby–I didn’t like it.  So as a loving dad, as Papa Bear, I asked why.  What was the goal and/or benefit of this procedure?  What were the risks?  Was it absolutely necessary?  The conversation didn’t go so well.

The test is for vesicoureteral reflux (VUR).  That’s a condition in which urine from the bladder backs up into the kidneys. It’s found in less than half (30-40%) of toddlers who have urinary tract infections.  So, after this astoundingly invasive procedure, what would change if Isabel had VUR?  Not a lot.  Many kids outgrow it.  Some get a continual low dose of antibiotics, and a few need a surgical fix, but the Doc admitted that, whatever the results, she was inclined just to do the test and wait.  At the same time, she was very irritated that I would question her about this (as she recited the info I found online about the condition almost verbatim).  It was, after all, a protocol backed by the AAP.  In essence, her answer was, ‘we do the test because we can (so there!).’

For some reason, in the end, we agreed to let them do the test.  As I handed my baby over and had to move behind the lead screen as they x-rayed her, then watched her scream and cry as an intern held her down and the nurse inserted the catheter, I knew we’d made a mistake.  The test was negative; anatomically, she was fine.  That same week, I popped open our homemade Tupperware wipes, and they smelled like a used towel left in the corner of a locker room.  We stopped using them – Isabel never had another UTI.

Can I ever prove that those wipes were the cause of her UTI?  No.  Can I say with certainty, though, that we shouldn’t have had that procedure done?  Yes, absolutely.  Even if, since that time, Tonya and I hadn’t discovered that chiropractic really does seem to help with certain infections (again…another blog…), it felt wrong, and it made no sense.  We should have listened to that parental instinct – which pre-dates Spock and Sears.  I can honestly say at this point that we love our pediatrician and we love our chiropractor, but mostly, we love our kids.

We all know that parenting is, if anything, a humbling experience, and there are lots of experts out there to tell us how little we know.  That humbleness is important in the face of the awesome responsibility we bear as parents.  At the same time, I like to read a little Sears now and again to remind myself that the experts don’t always get it right – and sometimes they are downright silly.

Parenting provides a constant low dose of uncertainty, so an occasional shot in the arm of self-trust can’t hurt.