As I have written here before, my children were conceived due to the “gift” of an anonymous donor who donated his sperm to a cryobank.  When my wife and I chose this donor we decided to buy 15 vials of his stuff from the bank ensuring we had enough as we expected that our road through infertility to be a long one.

As it turned out we used 5 vials between 3 failed DI intrauterine inseminations and the two successes we had resulted in our children.  We had 3 vials left at the two clinics we worked with but authorized these to be destroyed when we no longer could afford their storage fees.  At present we have 7 vials bought and paid for sitting back at the cryobank for which we continue to pay monthly storage fees.

For the last three years we have been paying these fees.  At first we thought to keep the vials until our daughter (the younger of our kids) turned one in case g-d forbid anything were to happen we could try for another child.  Then she turned two and now she’s three.  At this point we don’t plan for anymore children (mostly for financial reasons) and we admit to that.  She wants more always but reality is we want the best we can do for these two.

A few weeks ago I was contacted by another family interested in this same donor.  They tracked me down via our listing on the DSR.  They asked if we’d sell them the vials.  We at first thought they already had a child via this donor and they were trying for a full sibling.  Turns out they just liked this donor and wanted to switch to a new donor.  In the end before I gave them my decision they chose a third donor and thanked me for even considering the sale.  The sale.  I was asked to sell another man’s ability to create a child that I could not do.

Putting aside the ethical considerations of donor conception or maybe not, what right do I have to decide what to do with this sperm.  Yes I have the legal right as I own the stuff.  I could even authorize its destruction.  But I have the opportunity to allow other couples to have the joy of parenthood that I have with these children so I should sell it or give it away to those wanting it.  I can sell it back to the bank and receive 50% of what I paid and they can sell it.

If I sell the vials, and I expect we will, we plan to use the money to genetically test one vial to see what the donor’s genes have in store for our kids and maybe learn a few more things about the donor that the kids would not otherwise ever know which medically could even someday save their lives.  What right do I have to not give my children this opportunity, this information.

I am plagued by the “other hand” where selling the vials leads to (1) increased half siblings that otherwise would not exist diluting the uniqueness of my children – an admitted stupid concern (2) subjecting these unborn children to all the doubts and questions that donor conceived individuals face that I knew little about when my children were conceived which could cause them (the new children) a lifetime of questions and possible pain.

If we sell these remaining vials I am also amused by the fact that my decision / action could lead to news lives being born where again I biologically don’t have that actual ability.  I love my kids very much.  I hope if my decision leads to new half siblings that they have dads that will love them as much.

As my daughter gets older there are more and more experiences I don’t even realize I am about to have. Some of you are going to read this and say “been there done that” but some of us haven’t. So here we go… I am a teacher and I have summers off with my 2 1/2 year old. We travel a bit and hang out, as my wife still works most of the summer. This summer the wife wanted me to do something “productive” with my daughter (i.e. not let her climb around me while I mess around on my laptop on the couch in front of the TV) so we’ve enrolled her swim & gymnastics lessons. We use a company called SwimKidsUSA which I believe is a franchise nationwide (not all states).

We began in June, and love it! She has tubes (which I wrote about here last year) so we’ve been careful with the ear plugs, which really suck. But she’s been doing well. She cried through the entire first swim lesson and didn’t want to pay attention to the gymnastics coach at all, but over the last 6 weeks or so she’s gotten a lot better.

Yesterday was the first time mama was able to watch Claire’s swim lesson. A few weeks ago she was doing a makeup and the makeup teacher didn’t know her. He asked if Claire went under the water, and I thought he meant had she ever gone under in her entire life. Nope, he meant “does your kid do her lessons under the water....” I said, yes. Hahah. So he tossed her under, and she freaked. She looked at me as if I just gave him permission to torture her. But you know what? By the time she left that day, she was fine under water. She’s been underwater since and yesterday she showed off for mama and looked like a little minnow flipping around off the edge and under the water.

I think things are returning to normal for us.  A new normal, since moving home to Chicago, everything has that “new car” smell to it.  My new job, new commute, my daughter’s new daycare, our home all are great.  Besides the commute, my biggest adjustment is my work schedule.  I start a half an hour later at 8:30am, and well…stay a half an hour later, 5:30pm- ish.  When you add my commute time in…45 minutes via walking, and the Blue Line or driving…I’m home around 6-6:30pm nightly.  Not a big deal right?  Except in Champaign I used to pick up our daughter…now my father-in-law or my wife does.  I haven’t met my daughter’s afternoon teacher- and it’s been 2-1/2 weeks.

I have had the opportunity to drop her off though.  And by the look of things, once my wife starts classes, I’ll be dropping our daughter off every day.  And so far…it has been fun.  She cries, screams, and does what she can to keep me there longer.  Like screaming, “BOOGIE!!!”, or, “EYES!!!” (tears…), and then asking for extra hugs and kisses.  I don’t mind hanging around…but I feel in doing so I make things worse.  That when I do leave, she’ll be really upset.  Yes, I know that 5 minutes after I leave she’s fine…running around playing, etc.  But it is still tough.

It feels like I’ve gotten the short end of the stick…my last impression for the morning is her freaking out that I’m leaving her there…and how dare I do so.  I miss seeing her squeal with glee when I pick her up.  And after typing that I realize that sounds a bit jealous.

Last week while on the train I thought about all of this.  Could one of us stay home with her?  Could I stay home?  Is it really feasible financially?  In reality…no, it isn’t.  Not while my wife is in school.  We can’t afford to not have me working full-time.  In 4 years after she graduates possibly; but by then “the rug monkey” will be 6-1/2 and in school. 

So it seems I’m going to have to make due, and get used to this change.  Is it really that bad having to drop her off?  She’ll adjust, and in no time will want me to leave.  With my father-in-law picking her up, she gets to spend time with grandpa and there’s nothing wrong with that.  Spending time with more family is always a plus right?  And who knows...maybe I’ll be able to telecommute once in a while.  My boss and I are looking into getting me a laptop, so I’d be able to just that.

All in all, in the grand scheme of things...this isn’t a huge issue.

Anyone out there married to someone who spends too much? Don’t tell me I’m the only daddy married to a mommy who loves to shop. I love my wife and she’s a great mom and a wonderful wife, but she’s just not good with money. I have talked to her about her over-spending many times and have given her many budgets to work with, but nothing seems to help. She still spends too much. She even turns it around by saying I’m on her case too much or I don’t make enough. True enough, I probably am on her case too often and I don’t earn enough. We use to be a double income family with one kid. Now we are a single income family with three kids.

But no matter how much I earn or how less I earn, I think we need to live within our means. That’s what grown-ups are suppose to do. My wife shops like she’s a twenty year old with a money tree in the back yard. She has very little restraint and goes over budget every month. In her mind, she reasons she can over-spend one month and make up for it in another month. The problem is, she over spends every month and during the course of a year, the deficit becomes very large. So large in fact that we’ll probably have to refinance our house again in the near future. We have already refinanced our house twice. Each time, our mortgage payments go up and we have to pay a hefty amount of money for closing costs. This is insane.

My wife and I grew up in similar situations. Both of our parents are first generation immigrants who earned very little. Neither one of us have ever had allowances and neither one of us was raised spoiled. The way we spend as adults should be very similar. Yet my wife grows up to be a big spender and I grow up to be frugal.

I have noticed that even though both of our parents earn very little, the way they spend is very different. As far as I can remember, my parents have always been frugal. My in-laws, on the other hand, spend more than they earn. As a result, they are always maxing out their credit cards and have refinanced their house many times. My parents didn’t explicitly teach me to be frugal and my in-laws didn’t teach my wife to be a free spender. But I think this is clearly a case of learning by example. I’m frugal because my parents are frugal and my wife spends too much because her parents spend too much.

This is actually the point of this post (no, it’s not just me ranting about my wife spending too much). The way we, as parents, spend and save can have a lifetime of influence on the way our kids spend and save when they grow up. Don’t get me wrong here. Just because you’re a wise shopper doesn’t mean your kids will be too. But they are more likely to be wise shoppers than impulse buyers. In our case, it will be interesting to see how this works out for our kids when one parent is frugal and the other parent is a free spender.

It’s been a hectic and somewhat stressful month.  It’s made me again thankful for all the things I have.  It started 4 weeks ago with my 20th High School Reunion.  I hated HS, but it was a fun experience somewhat akin to my own private “surreal life” except without the midgets peeing in the corner.  I got a new job - I start tomorrow.  I’m leaving a lot of really good friends.  It’s a good thing, but anything this major is a stressful thing on some level.  Yesterday we had to send our dog to the animal hospital because he got an infection that got serious.  We are without him for at least another few days.  And there’s more that I won’t get into here.

Throughout all of this, it has been my wonderful wife that’s helped me keep focused on what is truly important.  We make a #### good partnership, she and I.  Whenever one of us is losing perspective because of some short term problem, it’s the other who brings them back to earth.  Me being a stubborn SOB, that is never an easy task for her. 

It’s her birthday weekend today and tomorrow.  It’s been very low key.  Playing with the kids outside.  Dinner at Noodles and Company.  Visit with her parents.  Tomorrow we’re going to the zoo.  And thanks to my wife, it’s been a great weekend so far.  One of the best in weeks.  Instead of seeming like I (we) are stuck in some kind of routine, it seems like we’re embarking on a brand new phase of our life together.

It’s exciting.  Happy birthday honey.